Better Know a Footballah - Ole Miss

Part 3 is available here

As is easily observed in the previous three installments of the Better Know a Footballah Series, I focus mainly on the coaches. College football, and more specifically the NCAA has specific rules governing how long players are eligible to play football for any given team. Typically this is 4 years, unless you are Cincinnati QB Ben Mauk who is working on suing the NCAA for his 18th year of eligibility. Really, Ben? You want to be mired in mediocrity for 18 years and not get paid a penny for it. I hope he's working on a PhD while he's there.

Focusing on coaches in College football makes sense. They are one of the few constants in college football, although even that can be disputed. This trend continues with one of my personal favorite head coaches in the SEC - none other than Houston Nutt. If there was an analogy for the style of coaching Houston Nutt employs, one would employ a plot summary from Dukes of Hazzard.

Press play below, and read with this playing in the background. Take it away Mr Wayland Jennings...



The cast of characters

Not Pictured: Houston Nutt

The lives of the Duke Boys would be nothing without their corrupt Hazzard County Commissioner, Jefferson Davis "Boss" Hogg. Hogg is known for his schemes to get them Duke Boys to forfeit their land so that he can become the all powerful ruler in the Land of Dumb.

Comparing Boss Hogg to Houston Nutt is none too difficult. Ole Miss this year recruited one of the best classes they have seen in decades.

The Insanity hides behind these eyes.

This was accomplished by taking verbal commits to 38 players. The mathematics behind this become even more impressive when you consider that Ole Miss had but 22 scholarships to dole out to the incoming masses. It remains to be seen how Boss Hogg.... er, Houston Nutt will accomplish such a feat, but never fear faithful viewer, this plot will be resolved using gully jumping cars.

Much of Nutt's noterity (see, even his last name implies a form of mental instability that is only found at Arkham Asylum) came during his stint as head coach at Arkensas where he was afforded the luxury of coaching Darren McFadden - arguably the greatest running back in the 2007 season. Nutt's offensive strategy was brilliant in it's simplicity - "run left, run right, run middle." When the strategy of "run" wasn't working, McFadden could also throw the football (having played under center much of his high school career) and threw for 2 TDs in the 2007 season. Further, McFadden could line up as a running back and motion out as a wide receiver (since he played that in HS, also) just to keep defenses on their toes. It's plain to see that much of the strategy was "get the ball to the guy with talent." A strategy that will get you far in the NCAA.

Upon his arrival to Ole Miss, Nutt turned a sinking ship around, and performed admirably in the SEC this year - handing future national champion Florida it's only loss of the season by simply out crazying Urban Meyer's squad. This lead to a Cotton Bowl berth against the Texas Tech Red Raider, and Coach Rainman. This matchup of Coach "Bat Shit Insane" versus the poster boy for autism in coaching was one of the most exciting matchups (to me) on paper of the year. Ole Miss was an 8 pt underdog, and ended up clamping down the nation's top offense - "holding" them to a "paltry" 34 pts. 34 pts is gaudy, if you're in the Big 10, where 10 pts is considered an offensive explosion, but Texas Tech came into the game averaging 36 pts / game with 6 games having 49 or more pts.

I CAN HAZ FOOTBALL PLAYERZ?

This season, Ole Miss is the bandwagon team that everyone is riding. With an incoming class that tops the nation, having a marginally successful SEC season, and coming of a major bowl upset, multiple sources have put Ole Miss as the Heir Apparent to the SEC crown. Me - I'm not buying it. I've read too many comic books in my life to know that "Crazy as a Sack of Rabid Weasles" does not equal "Greatness." And in God's Conference (The SEC) - you have to have greatness to succeed.

YOOOOUUUUUU! Go On and Crank Dat Soilda Boy.

As an added bonus, ESPN wired up Coach Giggity during some of the Cotton Bowl practices. After watching this video, I firmly believe that Houston Nutt wakes up each and every morning in his Yosemitie Sam pajama bottoms to the sound of a freight train air horn. He then splashes a pot of boiling hot coffee in his face to get the endorphins moving, and squat thrusts a '68 Chrysler Lebaron.

This is the type of man that I will demand is my room mate when I get to the point in my life where I have to live in a nursing home. I will never watch a day of TV in my room. I will never do a crossword. I will never play cards. I will simply watch this human being live their life, and I will never be bored.

University of Mississippi - Ole Miss
Location: Oxford, Mississippi
Mascot: Colonel Reb

Why Hate Them: Their coach is crazier than yours. Plus they are this year's media darlings. LSU beating them Nov 21 (assuming both teams are still undefeated) will go a long way towards an SEC Championship.
Road Trip Worthiness: It's best not to experience insanity this close up. Your safest bet is to stay seated at home and admire Mr Crazy on the Magic Talking Picture Box.

Clinton Portis being... well.. .Clinton Portis

Clinton has long been a favorite player of mine. He stands out on and off the field, but he also has a charisma that he willingly shares with his community. This video exemplifies that charisma.

This must be avoided at all costs

The classy fans of the classy school of Michigan have decided that creating a fine fermented beverage with the namesake of their favorite coach was a good idea. This is an excellent example of why critical business decisions should not be made whilst drinking heavily. Those decisions are best left to an eight-ball of cocaine and disco lights.

Click to make larger, then show to your friends for a good laugh

I can only imagine this being similar in flavor to Lake Erie wine, which tastes of concord grape jelly mixed with Barbasol. Also, not entirely dissimilar with being a Michigan fan, the day after partaking excessively - you want to kill yourself.

I certainly hope this isn't the beginning of a trend of Sports Heros meets Alcoholic Beverages. If someone made a bottle of "Woody Hayes Fume Blanc" I would gladly purchase a case of it, and break each and every bottle over the heads of those responsible for dreaming up this idea.

'Twas the Night Before Kickoff....

Press play and enjoy whilst reading



(HT: O.S. of edsbs.com for the gem of a song)

Football is upon us. Like a slow molasses drip, or sitting in church quietly, or reading anything by Dan Brown - time is at a stand still and does not seem to pass.

Real football starts tomorrow.

If 2008 is anything like 2007, I fully expect to be able to drink gallons mescaline during the course of the season and still have it all make sense. Last season was bizarro football. It was opposite day. It was Bea Arthur posing for Playboy. The rule of the day was that there are no rules. As the Silver Surfer said whatever that forgettable movie (Mediocre Four?) was: "All that you know is at an end."

-An above average, but not spectacular Ohio State team makes it into the BCS Championship game.
-A two loss LSU team wins the SEC and the National Championship Game.
-No team was ranked #2 for more than 2 weeks.
-A 9-4 Florida team hoists the Heisman Trophy.
-Notre Dame loses to Navy en route to a 3 win season.
-Stanford beats USC
-The team that was voted #1 at the end of the season was he underdog for the National Championship game.
-Duke still sucks (hey, some things never change)
-Kansas is invited to, and wins a BCS game.
...and it all started with Appalachian State beating Michigan.

These are just the high profile examples of the season that was.

Tomorrow starts with the tempered dish of South Carolina vs NC State, or Baylor vs Wake Forrest, but it's real god damned football. And that means Ohio State is only a couple days away.

Here's to 2008, the Orange Bowl is 127 days away, but real god damned football starts tomorrow.

House Rules for Football

A female football fan (!!) - Lisa H at fox sports blog - has listed "The House Rules for College Football" here. There is no need to debate these, as they are written, thus they are canon. (HT - Orson @ edsbs)

What does war smell like?

I enjoy harassing my family with little bits of information that I glean from the internet that I find more than mildly amusing. For example - them all being cleveland browns fans, I decided to send them the following prose:

In my off season search for anything that will give me a glimmer of hope that football season is, in fact, returning again - I came across a piece on espn.com about Cleveland Browns WR Braylon Edwards, and his move beyond being just a football player. In the piece it included the following paragraph:

The SUV pulls into the parking lot at the Film 44 office for the first meet and greet. Edwards steps out in his dark suit, turquoise shirt, paisley tie. The 25-year-old Browns receiver's ensemble was carefully designed, he says, to show he's professional and fun. Even his fragrance, Bond No. 9, serves a higher purpose. "It's my war cologne," he says. "It's a strong, masculine scent. I wear it when I'm trying to show confidence or be dominant."

Dominant! War!

Having not smelled Braylon's scent (store purchased, or otherwise) - I am trying to imagine walking up to the men's scents counter at my local Macy's and having the following conversation:

Me: I'd like a cologne for myself. A cologne that smells of war. Yes, war, and a hint of dominance. Dominance, with a bit of confidence also.
Macys Cologne Lady: Sir, I have just the cologne for you...

I'm pretty sure that would be the point where I would be asked to leave by three very large sercurity guards, and one really old retired cop who I could probably take down if I had to.

I'm intrigued as to what the olfactory stimulation of "war, masculinity, confidence, strength and dominance" is like when all of that is confined in one small 4.5 oz bottle, with an aerator attachment. I must have this cologne.