Ohio State Sousaphone player dots cameraman's eye

Being an on-field cameraman is a challenging job during the college football season. You have to lug 40 lbs of equipment around the field during all sorts of tremendously hot/cold weather. You have some douchebag film school drop out screaming in your ear-piece to get all the required shots, and you have to be able to understand him inside a stadium of 109,000 bat-shit insane people screaming their head off, all while standing next to the world's largest brass ensemble. If carrying a midget on your shoulder for 4 hours while standing inside an airplane engine making meaningful communications over Fisher-Price walkie talkies sounds like your dream job, then maybe... just maybe this clip will encourage you to stay in school and get an education, or maybe it will make you go back to school and further your education, or maybe it will make you think the sousaphone is an instrument of death used only for blunt force trauma as 40lbs of fiberglass and steel straight jack yo' shit up, fool cameraman.

Better Know a Footballah - Also-Rans

There's 12 schools in the SEC, and that's about 8 more schools than I really care to write about. Not all 12 schools are interesting. In fact, several of them have new coaches which only serves to make it difficult for me to write anything about them.

Auburn
Why Auburn would think they could replace Tommy Tuberville easily is a question that still has many Auburn fans guessing. Tubbs won 68% of his games as the Head Coach at Auburn, 3 seasons removed from an undefeated season (and getting shafted at a shot at the National Championship Gmae), won 6 straight against his rival ('Bama). He was fired for one bad season and replaced with the Greatest Head Coach EVER! ... oh wait, no. It's Gene Chizick, who went 5-7 last year with Iowa State. Nice move Auburn, really. 'Bama is still pointing and laughing at you.

Tennessee
Tennessee fired long time head coach Phil Fulmer after 13 years as the Head Voluenteer. They've replaced him with young up-start Lane Kiffin.

I don't know anything about Lane Kiffin other than the fact that he is now a member of the Former Raider Head Coach club. This is a quickly expanding list, and by all means does not reflect on his ability or inability to coach a football team. So, instead of badgering on about Lane Kiffen, here is a picture of his disproportionately hot wife.


Arkansas

This has nothing to do with Arkansas football... or does it?













Kentucky

Drawin' blood makes gettin' drunk off brown liquor easier!

Rich Brook, aside from his propensity to use the word "bullshit" in ever more creative ways than I could, has accomplished little as the coach of the Kentucky Wildcats. After feeling the hammer of the NCAA through the 2006 season, Brooks has coached the Wildcats to three consecutive bowl games, but has yet to leave a mark in the SEC accumulating a blandish average of 3-4 wins in the SEC per season.

Brooks is in effect a "zombie" coach, since as of last season the heavenly-named Joker Philips will become the head coach of Kentucky when Brooks steps down, which will most likely happen just as soon as he finishes his bourbon stash.













Alabama
You do not talk shit about Alabama football or Nick Saban. Especially on the internet. Nick Saban will send a SWAT team to your house, have them sedate you by covering your face in ether and have your limp carcass thrown into a van. When you wake up, you will not know where you are, but it will be dark, and there will be but one light shining directly in your face. This is fact. This is also how Nick Saban recruits.

I just say, "Roll Tide" - nothing to see here. Nope. Just keep moving.

Mr Happypants himself!

Better Know a Footballah - Ole Miss

Part 3 is available here

As is easily observed in the previous three installments of the Better Know a Footballah Series, I focus mainly on the coaches. College football, and more specifically the NCAA has specific rules governing how long players are eligible to play football for any given team. Typically this is 4 years, unless you are Cincinnati QB Ben Mauk who is working on suing the NCAA for his 18th year of eligibility. Really, Ben? You want to be mired in mediocrity for 18 years and not get paid a penny for it. I hope he's working on a PhD while he's there.

Focusing on coaches in College football makes sense. They are one of the few constants in college football, although even that can be disputed. This trend continues with one of my personal favorite head coaches in the SEC - none other than Houston Nutt. If there was an analogy for the style of coaching Houston Nutt employs, one would employ a plot summary from Dukes of Hazzard.

Press play below, and read with this playing in the background. Take it away Mr Wayland Jennings...



The cast of characters

Not Pictured: Houston Nutt

The lives of the Duke Boys would be nothing without their corrupt Hazzard County Commissioner, Jefferson Davis "Boss" Hogg. Hogg is known for his schemes to get them Duke Boys to forfeit their land so that he can become the all powerful ruler in the Land of Dumb.

Comparing Boss Hogg to Houston Nutt is none too difficult. Ole Miss this year recruited one of the best classes they have seen in decades.

The Insanity hides behind these eyes.

This was accomplished by taking verbal commits to 38 players. The mathematics behind this become even more impressive when you consider that Ole Miss had but 22 scholarships to dole out to the incoming masses. It remains to be seen how Boss Hogg.... er, Houston Nutt will accomplish such a feat, but never fear faithful viewer, this plot will be resolved using gully jumping cars.

Much of Nutt's noterity (see, even his last name implies a form of mental instability that is only found at Arkham Asylum) came during his stint as head coach at Arkensas where he was afforded the luxury of coaching Darren McFadden - arguably the greatest running back in the 2007 season. Nutt's offensive strategy was brilliant in it's simplicity - "run left, run right, run middle." When the strategy of "run" wasn't working, McFadden could also throw the football (having played under center much of his high school career) and threw for 2 TDs in the 2007 season. Further, McFadden could line up as a running back and motion out as a wide receiver (since he played that in HS, also) just to keep defenses on their toes. It's plain to see that much of the strategy was "get the ball to the guy with talent." A strategy that will get you far in the NCAA.

Upon his arrival to Ole Miss, Nutt turned a sinking ship around, and performed admirably in the SEC this year - handing future national champion Florida it's only loss of the season by simply out crazying Urban Meyer's squad. This lead to a Cotton Bowl berth against the Texas Tech Red Raider, and Coach Rainman. This matchup of Coach "Bat Shit Insane" versus the poster boy for autism in coaching was one of the most exciting matchups (to me) on paper of the year. Ole Miss was an 8 pt underdog, and ended up clamping down the nation's top offense - "holding" them to a "paltry" 34 pts. 34 pts is gaudy, if you're in the Big 10, where 10 pts is considered an offensive explosion, but Texas Tech came into the game averaging 36 pts / game with 6 games having 49 or more pts.

I CAN HAZ FOOTBALL PLAYERZ?

This season, Ole Miss is the bandwagon team that everyone is riding. With an incoming class that tops the nation, having a marginally successful SEC season, and coming of a major bowl upset, multiple sources have put Ole Miss as the Heir Apparent to the SEC crown. Me - I'm not buying it. I've read too many comic books in my life to know that "Crazy as a Sack of Rabid Weasles" does not equal "Greatness." And in God's Conference (The SEC) - you have to have greatness to succeed.

YOOOOUUUUUU! Go On and Crank Dat Soilda Boy.

As an added bonus, ESPN wired up Coach Giggity during some of the Cotton Bowl practices. After watching this video, I firmly believe that Houston Nutt wakes up each and every morning in his Yosemitie Sam pajama bottoms to the sound of a freight train air horn. He then splashes a pot of boiling hot coffee in his face to get the endorphins moving, and squat thrusts a '68 Chrysler Lebaron.

This is the type of man that I will demand is my room mate when I get to the point in my life where I have to live in a nursing home. I will never watch a day of TV in my room. I will never do a crossword. I will never play cards. I will simply watch this human being live their life, and I will never be bored.

University of Mississippi - Ole Miss
Location: Oxford, Mississippi
Mascot: Colonel Reb

Why Hate Them: Their coach is crazier than yours. Plus they are this year's media darlings. LSU beating them Nov 21 (assuming both teams are still undefeated) will go a long way towards an SEC Championship.
Road Trip Worthiness: It's best not to experience insanity this close up. Your safest bet is to stay seated at home and admire Mr Crazy on the Magic Talking Picture Box.

Ohio State Golf Carts - Faster than Yours

Jim Tressel shows how he manages to squeeze in 18 holes on a 15 minute smoke break.



From the article:

"It's just an honor to meet Graham, and it was a tremendous adventure to get in one of those cars. I wouldn't do it at 230, though, nor could I imagine doing it for 3 1/2 hours."

It has been argued that Ohio State has trouble maintaining top speed in bowl games for 3 1/2 hours, also.

ZING!

Better Know a Footballah - South Carolina

Part 2 is available here

As of today, it is 86 days until college football officially begins. At least in the state of Ohio, which really is the only state that matters when it comes to college football.

This brings us to the third edition of Better Know a Footballah - The South Carolina Gamecocks, also known affectionately as the "Cocks". It pleases me to no end that I can use the word "cock" freely and not have to feel the wrath of shame which was instilled upon me by my parents.

With that... let's get to the team.

Having a team with Steve Spurrier (aka: "The Ol' Ball Coach") as your coach, and a mascot who is a Cock is redundant. There exists no coach in college football who can even touch the nine-inch titanium testicularity of Steve Spurrier. The OBC does two things really well, schedule tee times and run his mouth about fellow coaches. Through the course of his career he has been noted as delivering such wondrous zingers as:

- Giving Florida State University the nickname "Free Shoes University"
- Questioning the abilities of Head Coach Phillip Fulmer of Tennessee and stating "You can't spell Citrus without UT"
- Referring to former Tennessee quarterback Peyton Manning: "I know why Peyton came back for his senior year: he wanted to be a three-time Citrus Bowl MVP"

But there is more to South Carolina than just the Coach. Why - there's the Coach's Son ,assistant coach Steve Spurrier Jr). And let's not forget the coach's youngest son, walk on Wide Receiver Scott Spurrier). No, there's more to this team than nepotism, Cocks and Junior Cocks, there's an entire TEAM of cocks. Let's take a look at some of the players on their roster:

- Ryan Broadhead
- Josh Dickerson
- TJ Johnson

There's DICK JOKES GALORE! South Carolina is a veritable gold mine for infantile humor. The only possible way a team could have more fun poked at them (*wink* ... get it... "poked") is if their mascot was Doe The Ass Blastn' Buck.



As far as football goes, this is a team that has been absolutely spectacular at being mired in mediocrity. And don't think this achievement has gone un-noticed. Since the arrival of Steve Spurrier, they have gone 28-22 (.560). That's a whopping 8 WHOLE GAMES above .500! You can almost taste the ordinary that seeps from the pores of these achievers. The average-ness of this team has even been recognized by the local media in South Carolina



Reality - indeed you are funnier than any form of parody.

But don't think for a second that this is a team that takes their role lightly. Football is serious business, and a team that is so highly recognized in its not-quite-ineptness doesn't take these kinds of things laying down.....



... nevermind.

Being a South Carolina football player is a lot like the above picture. There's a lot of excitement, but when it comes game time - you know that it isn't your team producing the fireworks. After the opening kickoff, there's no reason to over exert yourself and do much other than get in the fetal position and hope that the highly paid security does something other than clear some room for you to get your ass whooped.


South Carolina
Location: Columbia, South Carolina
Mascot: Cocky

8 out of 10 kids in South Carolina think Cocky is "Just OK."

Why Hate Them: This is an easy on. Steve "The Ole Ball Coach" Spurrier and his army of gainfully employed family members.
Road Trip Worthiness: Go for the dick jokes. Stay for the over-powering mediocrity. And the girls who are fans of the Cocks:










And now, a picture of a giant cock:


Penis.

Better Know a Footballah - Mississippi State

Part 1 - Vanderbilt - is available here.

Ok, Semester Finals are over. This means school is done for the semester - this the whole "Final" part. Yeah, my brain is still not functioning properly. Bear with me while I do my best Etch-a-Sketch impression and shake my head so as to forget all the worthless shit that's stored up there.

Much better... now, where were we?

Ah yes. Football. Unfortunately for college football addicts, semester finals also means the entrance of the dark, lonely time of year when absolutely jack squat happens. no recruiting, no spring practices. no bowl games and worst of all - no College Gameday brought to you by the Home Depot.

This time of year reminds me a lot of driving from Ohio to Colorado for some of the infamous ski trips as a youngen' in the parents conversion van - I'm guessing I was 7 at the time. The trip starts out in the glorious Buckeye State. There is so much to see and do and take in. All the food is still unopened in the basket. The drinks are cold, the ice is fresh. You aren't sick of the tapes you brought to play in the walkman. Oh - and mom even bought you a super awesome magnetic travel checkers board so you and you sister can play checkers.

There is an excitement in the air that carries you through Indiana and Illinois. You're thinking about how great it's going to be to get out doors and hit the mountains. All of this optimism comes to a sudden and abrupt halt the second you enter Iowa. As you look past the St Louis Arch, your optimism begins to fade. You squint your eyes and look to the west and see... nothing. There is nothing in sight, even the road side signs that mark out the next closest town begin to become more spread out until the cease to exist. There are no "next closest towns." There is nothing to look forward to. There is the vast emptiness of...
...THE GREAT PLAINS.

But you push forward.

I'm sure about this time Dad's thoughts were beginning to shift a little as he starts to think to himself as the family sleeps, "hey, this is boring as hell, but I think I can make it."

He keeps driving.

Then after driving for weeks fueled by nothing but the finest McDonalds drive-thru food, crappy instant coffee and some methamphetamine purchased from some trucker named Ted at a rest area, he would see this soul crushing sign:


The will to live has been officially broken. Dad would forgot about the vast wasteland that is Nebraska. How it takes 10-12 hours to make it through that god forsaken state. But on the other side of it lies the glorious Rocky Mountains... after another 3 hours of driving through the eastern plains of Colorado.

Ya, the college off season is a lot like that drive (which could only take place in my imagination), and we've just crossed the border into Nebraska.

Mississippi State
Location: Starkville, MS
Mascot: Bully Bulldog

For those of you with astute observation skills, this is a bulldog. Not to be confused with UGA, of Georgia fame. SEC fans don't just inbreed in their familial relations, they inbreed in their school mascots, too.

Why Hate Them: We don't hate Miss St, for much the same reason it's impossible to hate someone who runs in the Special Olympics. If I have to elaborate on that statement any more than you, dear reader, are a soul-less individual who has an eternity of hell to look forward to. And your hell will consist of being restrained in a laying position and being drooled on by bulldogs for all eternity.

Road Trip Worthiness:
Mississippi has a tradition of ringing cowbells at their games. Unless you miss the days of living on pasture with stampeding bovine, there is no reason to attend a game at Miss St. However, the BBQ from there is legendary, so if you're hungry - it may be worth the gas money.

SEC - Better Know a Footballah!

I have a new family member who will become part of the family of "God's Conference" when it comes to college football. Paige... this is for you.

As you are part of the younger generation, it is my responsibility to pass on the knowledge of her elders to you. I feel it both timely and necessary to impart in you some knowledge about football in the South. The South is a region of the United States that is steeped in tradition and in nearly all regards allows that tradition to become the stumbling block of progress, even the face of the most modern advances in technology.... like "reading" and "basic hygiene." In order to bestow upon you some of that tradition, I will write a little background on each school in the SEC to fill you in on the tradition and madness that I've only witnessed from the safe distance of the internet.

For those of you who are not Paige and who also know me, you may be thinking, "but Eric - you're a buckeye fan. You should hate the SEC. Why not write up a post about the Big Televen schools?" The answer to that is simple. Darwin. Any real Big Televen fan is born with the following bits of knowledge evolved through generational information being born into their skulls:
- Northwestern will field a better than mediocre team once every 20 years.
- Indiana is forbidden from having more than 1 4-star recruit on the field at any time
- M*chig*an football is currently on the side of a milk carton as it has been buried by a sweatervest covered in stickers that only LOOK like weed. Fear not, the Big House is being renovated in more ways than one
- Penn State isn't occupying their time practicing tackle football. They're drinking themselves into an alcohol induced rage of the type that can make a Hunn blush. Also, Joe Pa wants you damn kids to get off his lawn.
- Iowa .... pffft, seriously? While Kirk Ferentz is their coach, they will be nothing more than a team that gets a bowl game on Jan 1 that has absolutely no meaning (*waves at Outback Bowl*).
- Michigan State is as one dimensional as any movie staring Dane Cook.
- Illinoize has a narcissistic coach who is incapable of speaking in sentences with more than 4 syllables. Like it. Works hard. Lovin' football.
I don't need to go on. Any real Big Televen fan JUST KNOWS THIS.

For this series, I will be including a breakdown of all of the schools of the SEC, their strengths, their weaknesses, and best of all - their perceptions.

Vanderbilt
Location: Nashville, Tenn
Mascot:

Andrew Jackson never looked so good

Why hate them; It is considered impolite to make fun of your future intellectual overlords. Point and laugh at them after they have left the room.
Road trip worthiness: Unless you desire the ability to ask random people in the stands to help you out with your assignment for Differential Equations or Organic Biology, it really wouldn't be worth your time to make the trip to Nashville (1 out of 5 stars)

We'll start Part 1 of "Better Know a Footballah" from the bottom of the SEC and work our way up - starting with Vanderbilt because they're easy. Besides that, let's face it, Paige - when you graduate, you're going to be working for a Vanderbilt grad, so you'll want to be able to identify with them as early as possible. Vanderbilt consists of nothing but the worst football team in the SEC, and their efforts can easily be summed by this picture from the one time ESPN's College Game Day visited their campus:

The Library. Do not fuck with it.

This is a football program which has not strengths, and is build entirely of weaknesses. Last year's team which started off with 6 wins was a fluke, and will not happen again for another epoch.