SEC - Better Know a Footballah!

I have a new family member who will become part of the family of "God's Conference" when it comes to college football. Paige... this is for you.

As you are part of the younger generation, it is my responsibility to pass on the knowledge of her elders to you. I feel it both timely and necessary to impart in you some knowledge about football in the South. The South is a region of the United States that is steeped in tradition and in nearly all regards allows that tradition to become the stumbling block of progress, even the face of the most modern advances in technology.... like "reading" and "basic hygiene." In order to bestow upon you some of that tradition, I will write a little background on each school in the SEC to fill you in on the tradition and madness that I've only witnessed from the safe distance of the internet.

For those of you who are not Paige and who also know me, you may be thinking, "but Eric - you're a buckeye fan. You should hate the SEC. Why not write up a post about the Big Televen schools?" The answer to that is simple. Darwin. Any real Big Televen fan is born with the following bits of knowledge evolved through generational information being born into their skulls:
- Northwestern will field a better than mediocre team once every 20 years.
- Indiana is forbidden from having more than 1 4-star recruit on the field at any time
- M*chig*an football is currently on the side of a milk carton as it has been buried by a sweatervest covered in stickers that only LOOK like weed. Fear not, the Big House is being renovated in more ways than one
- Penn State isn't occupying their time practicing tackle football. They're drinking themselves into an alcohol induced rage of the type that can make a Hunn blush. Also, Joe Pa wants you damn kids to get off his lawn.
- Iowa .... pffft, seriously? While Kirk Ferentz is their coach, they will be nothing more than a team that gets a bowl game on Jan 1 that has absolutely no meaning (*waves at Outback Bowl*).
- Michigan State is as one dimensional as any movie staring Dane Cook.
- Illinoize has a narcissistic coach who is incapable of speaking in sentences with more than 4 syllables. Like it. Works hard. Lovin' football.
I don't need to go on. Any real Big Televen fan JUST KNOWS THIS.

For this series, I will be including a breakdown of all of the schools of the SEC, their strengths, their weaknesses, and best of all - their perceptions.

Vanderbilt
Location: Nashville, Tenn
Mascot:

Andrew Jackson never looked so good

Why hate them; It is considered impolite to make fun of your future intellectual overlords. Point and laugh at them after they have left the room.
Road trip worthiness: Unless you desire the ability to ask random people in the stands to help you out with your assignment for Differential Equations or Organic Biology, it really wouldn't be worth your time to make the trip to Nashville (1 out of 5 stars)

We'll start Part 1 of "Better Know a Footballah" from the bottom of the SEC and work our way up - starting with Vanderbilt because they're easy. Besides that, let's face it, Paige - when you graduate, you're going to be working for a Vanderbilt grad, so you'll want to be able to identify with them as early as possible. Vanderbilt consists of nothing but the worst football team in the SEC, and their efforts can easily be summed by this picture from the one time ESPN's College Game Day visited their campus:

The Library. Do not fuck with it.

This is a football program which has not strengths, and is build entirely of weaknesses. Last year's team which started off with 6 wins was a fluke, and will not happen again for another epoch.