Ohio in the summer time. A report card

Below are the grades for the Warren and Mericle Family Reunion weekend events. If you dont like the grades you have received, you will just have to try harder at the next event.

A+ - Ford and Vesta Warren for hosting the Warren Reunion. If it wasn't for their deep pockets, we all would have been sleeping on the floor in The Pit and eating ramen barbequed by Jack.
B- - For Daniel's dog walking abilities. There were a couple of times that I saw him eating food and socializing with people, but overall he put forth a great effort to be attached to the leash at all times.
A- - Roundhouse buckets of beer. Is there anything you can't do, you wonderful red bucket?
C- - PIB Golf carts. Electric carts don't have enough torque to get 6 people up a hill in a 4 person cart. Gas carts are governered, which is just lame.

On PIB, suave old men try to steal rides on the back of your cart if you are unattentive.

D - Lake Erie fish. You're hungry, just bite the bait.
B- - Mike riding the Scotch Rocket. The grade got boosted because of the offer to race Connie in the mini van
A+ - La La!
F - Alison forgetting her ID so we have to all get more La La in our lives.
F - Children. Your parents are drunk, you should be sleeping.
A+ - My liver. It held up well through 5 straight days of feeding it various forms of ethyl alcohol.
C - For heated discussions on politics. It would have been a higher grade if actual fisticuffs had ensued.
A+ - Brenda's successful dismount from a speeding golf cart and transition into a leisurely jog.
F - Jeff's unsuccessful dismount from a speeding golf cart, taking two steps, falling all over himself and landing in a ditch.
A+ - leniant displays of security by PIB bouncers when presented with nothing more than a yellow sheet of paper as a form of identification. Post It Note sales everywhere are expected to increase in NW Ohio. Im fairly certain that writing one's name on their hand with glitter pens would also pass as a form of identification
F - mosquitoes. I didn't miss you nearly as much as you missed me.
B+ - Jenni Warren. You were late, but you were dressed nice the whole time - making you fashionably late.
D - Prospecting for rare stones on PIB. While it's great to come home with a bag of rocks, those rocks should increase in value, not make daddy's lawn look prettier

Bec's attention has always been easily diverted. ADHD is a cruel condition

F - Byrnwick drive. You used to be cool, with your basketball hoop and your dead end. Now, no one likes you, even if you cut the drive time down.
C- - Sandi's Famous Egg Breakfast. It's all hype, just like the last Spiderman movie, but it didn't give me gas.
A+ - PIB Police. Yeah, my cart backfires, but thanks for not arresting me while carting around too many people in my 4 person cart. The cart wasn't the only thing that was loaded though - tee hee hee.
A+ - Frequent deliveries of home made cookies. Grandpa Mericle made sure that everyone at the Thompson house was good and sugared up, the way kids should be before they go to bed.
C - Cornhole. F*cking bags!!! Get in the F*CKING hole! I hate you.
A+ - The Egner family for making a breif, albeit greatly appreciated trip to visit with the family prior to the trip to PIB.
A- - New Riegel ribs. Extra sloppy. Enough said.
D - Tim Horton's coffee and donuts. Mediocrity is not a way to thrive.
F - Richard Allen. I don't think you really exist.
A+ - Roundhouse buckets of beer. It's so nice, we graded it twice.
B- - Corrine for getting all the kids sick. If some of the adults had shown signs of sickness, you would have had a higher grade.
D- - Greg's golf game. Shooting an 83 doesn't make the cut on tour, and it doesn't make the cut in my grade book either.
A - Molly Warren for being engaged to a fellow who is generally liked by her family. Congratulations.
B - Random dogs on PIB. If your balls were bigger, you would have had a higher grade (gigantic balls not pictured)

not pictured: obscenely large testicles

A+ - Ohio Stadium. Just for being you, you get an A+, Ohio Stadium. You look good. No really, have you lost weight?
F - American Airlines. You suck at your core business, and make your travellers change gates because you don't have your sh*t together. It's amazing you're still in business.
F - Dallas Fort Worth Airport. Only because you're the hub for American Airlines. It's the people you choose to associate with that drag you down. Also, your complete and utter lack of flight schedule monitors within 10 gates of anything usable is absurd. Did you let American Airlines design you?
B- - United Airlines for picking up the slack when American Airlines lets its passengers down.

Overall, this weekend gets a passing grade, but there is still room for improvement. I expect the next family reunion to be just as fun, if not more so.

EDIT: I've added a movie using only my pics, I may edit this later to include more pictures from more family memebers later on (and if they send me their original pics).

House Rules for Football

A female football fan (!!) - Lisa H at fox sports blog - has listed "The House Rules for College Football" here. There is no need to debate these, as they are written, thus they are canon. (HT - Orson @ edsbs)

What does war smell like?

I enjoy harassing my family with little bits of information that I glean from the internet that I find more than mildly amusing. For example - them all being cleveland browns fans, I decided to send them the following prose:

In my off season search for anything that will give me a glimmer of hope that football season is, in fact, returning again - I came across a piece on espn.com about Cleveland Browns WR Braylon Edwards, and his move beyond being just a football player. In the piece it included the following paragraph:

The SUV pulls into the parking lot at the Film 44 office for the first meet and greet. Edwards steps out in his dark suit, turquoise shirt, paisley tie. The 25-year-old Browns receiver's ensemble was carefully designed, he says, to show he's professional and fun. Even his fragrance, Bond No. 9, serves a higher purpose. "It's my war cologne," he says. "It's a strong, masculine scent. I wear it when I'm trying to show confidence or be dominant."

Dominant! War!

Having not smelled Braylon's scent (store purchased, or otherwise) - I am trying to imagine walking up to the men's scents counter at my local Macy's and having the following conversation:

Me: I'd like a cologne for myself. A cologne that smells of war. Yes, war, and a hint of dominance. Dominance, with a bit of confidence also.
Macys Cologne Lady: Sir, I have just the cologne for you...

I'm pretty sure that would be the point where I would be asked to leave by three very large sercurity guards, and one really old retired cop who I could probably take down if I had to.

I'm intrigued as to what the olfactory stimulation of "war, masculinity, confidence, strength and dominance" is like when all of that is confined in one small 4.5 oz bottle, with an aerator attachment. I must have this cologne.

A list of things I wish children were born knowing

- Dog poop tastes bad. Don't eat it.
- Your hair is not a napkin
- Your brother is not a napkin
- Yogurt is not soap
- Dog food isn't made to taste good.
- Your brother doesn't need a bath (in yogurt)
- While it is true that shampoo, makes the floor slippery - it's generally not a fun game to clean up after
- ...same goes for yogurt (yes, yogurt does cause a lot of problems in our house)
- Your brother needs his eyes later in his life. Please don't try to stick your fingers behind them.
- Proctologists wear gloves for a reason, please don't stick your finger in the dog's butt.
- The sun is not an alarm clock
- The baptismal fountain at church is not there to give your brother a bath
- The water bowl on the floor is for the dogs, not for you to play in.
- Paper is for writing on. The walls are not. Neither is your leg. Or your arm. Or your brother.
- Permanent marker is named "permanent" for a reason
- Children's tylenol tastes good, but it is not a very refreshing drink
- M&M's are not a breakfast food. They're also not a lunch food, nor are they a dinner food. Screaming doesn't make them one either.
- Your toys may look like they fit there, but the dog doesn't want them in her rear end. Just trust me on this one.
- When you're done eating, it's more polite to say "I'm finished" than throwing your plate.
- Frosting is not makeup.
- The crayon content of all home furnishings should be zero at all times.