A list of things I wish children were born knowing

- Dog poop tastes bad. Don't eat it.
- Your hair is not a napkin
- Your brother is not a napkin
- Yogurt is not soap
- Dog food isn't made to taste good.
- Your brother doesn't need a bath (in yogurt)
- While it is true that shampoo, makes the floor slippery - it's generally not a fun game to clean up after
- ...same goes for yogurt (yes, yogurt does cause a lot of problems in our house)
- Your brother needs his eyes later in his life. Please don't try to stick your fingers behind them.
- Proctologists wear gloves for a reason, please don't stick your finger in the dog's butt.
- The sun is not an alarm clock
- The baptismal fountain at church is not there to give your brother a bath
- The water bowl on the floor is for the dogs, not for you to play in.
- Paper is for writing on. The walls are not. Neither is your leg. Or your arm. Or your brother.
- Permanent marker is named "permanent" for a reason
- Children's tylenol tastes good, but it is not a very refreshing drink
- M&M's are not a breakfast food. They're also not a lunch food, nor are they a dinner food. Screaming doesn't make them one either.
- Your toys may look like they fit there, but the dog doesn't want them in her rear end. Just trust me on this one.
- When you're done eating, it's more polite to say "I'm finished" than throwing your plate.
- Frosting is not makeup.
- The crayon content of all home furnishings should be zero at all times.