Better Know a Footballah - South Carolina

Part 2 is available here

As of today, it is 86 days until college football officially begins. At least in the state of Ohio, which really is the only state that matters when it comes to college football.

This brings us to the third edition of Better Know a Footballah - The South Carolina Gamecocks, also known affectionately as the "Cocks". It pleases me to no end that I can use the word "cock" freely and not have to feel the wrath of shame which was instilled upon me by my parents.

With that... let's get to the team.

Having a team with Steve Spurrier (aka: "The Ol' Ball Coach") as your coach, and a mascot who is a Cock is redundant. There exists no coach in college football who can even touch the nine-inch titanium testicularity of Steve Spurrier. The OBC does two things really well, schedule tee times and run his mouth about fellow coaches. Through the course of his career he has been noted as delivering such wondrous zingers as:

- Giving Florida State University the nickname "Free Shoes University"
- Questioning the abilities of Head Coach Phillip Fulmer of Tennessee and stating "You can't spell Citrus without UT"
- Referring to former Tennessee quarterback Peyton Manning: "I know why Peyton came back for his senior year: he wanted to be a three-time Citrus Bowl MVP"

But there is more to South Carolina than just the Coach. Why - there's the Coach's Son ,assistant coach Steve Spurrier Jr). And let's not forget the coach's youngest son, walk on Wide Receiver Scott Spurrier). No, there's more to this team than nepotism, Cocks and Junior Cocks, there's an entire TEAM of cocks. Let's take a look at some of the players on their roster:

- Ryan Broadhead
- Josh Dickerson
- TJ Johnson

There's DICK JOKES GALORE! South Carolina is a veritable gold mine for infantile humor. The only possible way a team could have more fun poked at them (*wink* ... get it... "poked") is if their mascot was Doe The Ass Blastn' Buck.



As far as football goes, this is a team that has been absolutely spectacular at being mired in mediocrity. And don't think this achievement has gone un-noticed. Since the arrival of Steve Spurrier, they have gone 28-22 (.560). That's a whopping 8 WHOLE GAMES above .500! You can almost taste the ordinary that seeps from the pores of these achievers. The average-ness of this team has even been recognized by the local media in South Carolina



Reality - indeed you are funnier than any form of parody.

But don't think for a second that this is a team that takes their role lightly. Football is serious business, and a team that is so highly recognized in its not-quite-ineptness doesn't take these kinds of things laying down.....



... nevermind.

Being a South Carolina football player is a lot like the above picture. There's a lot of excitement, but when it comes game time - you know that it isn't your team producing the fireworks. After the opening kickoff, there's no reason to over exert yourself and do much other than get in the fetal position and hope that the highly paid security does something other than clear some room for you to get your ass whooped.


South Carolina
Location: Columbia, South Carolina
Mascot: Cocky

8 out of 10 kids in South Carolina think Cocky is "Just OK."

Why Hate Them: This is an easy on. Steve "The Ole Ball Coach" Spurrier and his army of gainfully employed family members.
Road Trip Worthiness: Go for the dick jokes. Stay for the over-powering mediocrity. And the girls who are fans of the Cocks:










And now, a picture of a giant cock:


Penis.

Better Know a Footballah - Mississippi State

Part 1 - Vanderbilt - is available here.

Ok, Semester Finals are over. This means school is done for the semester - this the whole "Final" part. Yeah, my brain is still not functioning properly. Bear with me while I do my best Etch-a-Sketch impression and shake my head so as to forget all the worthless shit that's stored up there.

Much better... now, where were we?

Ah yes. Football. Unfortunately for college football addicts, semester finals also means the entrance of the dark, lonely time of year when absolutely jack squat happens. no recruiting, no spring practices. no bowl games and worst of all - no College Gameday brought to you by the Home Depot.

This time of year reminds me a lot of driving from Ohio to Colorado for some of the infamous ski trips as a youngen' in the parents conversion van - I'm guessing I was 7 at the time. The trip starts out in the glorious Buckeye State. There is so much to see and do and take in. All the food is still unopened in the basket. The drinks are cold, the ice is fresh. You aren't sick of the tapes you brought to play in the walkman. Oh - and mom even bought you a super awesome magnetic travel checkers board so you and you sister can play checkers.

There is an excitement in the air that carries you through Indiana and Illinois. You're thinking about how great it's going to be to get out doors and hit the mountains. All of this optimism comes to a sudden and abrupt halt the second you enter Iowa. As you look past the St Louis Arch, your optimism begins to fade. You squint your eyes and look to the west and see... nothing. There is nothing in sight, even the road side signs that mark out the next closest town begin to become more spread out until the cease to exist. There are no "next closest towns." There is nothing to look forward to. There is the vast emptiness of...
...THE GREAT PLAINS.

But you push forward.

I'm sure about this time Dad's thoughts were beginning to shift a little as he starts to think to himself as the family sleeps, "hey, this is boring as hell, but I think I can make it."

He keeps driving.

Then after driving for weeks fueled by nothing but the finest McDonalds drive-thru food, crappy instant coffee and some methamphetamine purchased from some trucker named Ted at a rest area, he would see this soul crushing sign:


The will to live has been officially broken. Dad would forgot about the vast wasteland that is Nebraska. How it takes 10-12 hours to make it through that god forsaken state. But on the other side of it lies the glorious Rocky Mountains... after another 3 hours of driving through the eastern plains of Colorado.

Ya, the college off season is a lot like that drive (which could only take place in my imagination), and we've just crossed the border into Nebraska.

Mississippi State
Location: Starkville, MS
Mascot: Bully Bulldog

For those of you with astute observation skills, this is a bulldog. Not to be confused with UGA, of Georgia fame. SEC fans don't just inbreed in their familial relations, they inbreed in their school mascots, too.

Why Hate Them: We don't hate Miss St, for much the same reason it's impossible to hate someone who runs in the Special Olympics. If I have to elaborate on that statement any more than you, dear reader, are a soul-less individual who has an eternity of hell to look forward to. And your hell will consist of being restrained in a laying position and being drooled on by bulldogs for all eternity.

Road Trip Worthiness:
Mississippi has a tradition of ringing cowbells at their games. Unless you miss the days of living on pasture with stampeding bovine, there is no reason to attend a game at Miss St. However, the BBQ from there is legendary, so if you're hungry - it may be worth the gas money.