Better Know a Footballah - South Carolina

Part 2 is available here

As of today, it is 86 days until college football officially begins. At least in the state of Ohio, which really is the only state that matters when it comes to college football.

This brings us to the third edition of Better Know a Footballah - The South Carolina Gamecocks, also known affectionately as the "Cocks". It pleases me to no end that I can use the word "cock" freely and not have to feel the wrath of shame which was instilled upon me by my parents.

With that... let's get to the team.

Having a team with Steve Spurrier (aka: "The Ol' Ball Coach") as your coach, and a mascot who is a Cock is redundant. There exists no coach in college football who can even touch the nine-inch titanium testicularity of Steve Spurrier. The OBC does two things really well, schedule tee times and run his mouth about fellow coaches. Through the course of his career he has been noted as delivering such wondrous zingers as:

- Giving Florida State University the nickname "Free Shoes University"
- Questioning the abilities of Head Coach Phillip Fulmer of Tennessee and stating "You can't spell Citrus without UT"
- Referring to former Tennessee quarterback Peyton Manning: "I know why Peyton came back for his senior year: he wanted to be a three-time Citrus Bowl MVP"

But there is more to South Carolina than just the Coach. Why - there's the Coach's Son ,assistant coach Steve Spurrier Jr). And let's not forget the coach's youngest son, walk on Wide Receiver Scott Spurrier). No, there's more to this team than nepotism, Cocks and Junior Cocks, there's an entire TEAM of cocks. Let's take a look at some of the players on their roster:

- Ryan Broadhead
- Josh Dickerson
- TJ Johnson

There's DICK JOKES GALORE! South Carolina is a veritable gold mine for infantile humor. The only possible way a team could have more fun poked at them (*wink* ... get it... "poked") is if their mascot was Doe The Ass Blastn' Buck.



As far as football goes, this is a team that has been absolutely spectacular at being mired in mediocrity. And don't think this achievement has gone un-noticed. Since the arrival of Steve Spurrier, they have gone 28-22 (.560). That's a whopping 8 WHOLE GAMES above .500! You can almost taste the ordinary that seeps from the pores of these achievers. The average-ness of this team has even been recognized by the local media in South Carolina



Reality - indeed you are funnier than any form of parody.

But don't think for a second that this is a team that takes their role lightly. Football is serious business, and a team that is so highly recognized in its not-quite-ineptness doesn't take these kinds of things laying down.....



... nevermind.

Being a South Carolina football player is a lot like the above picture. There's a lot of excitement, but when it comes game time - you know that it isn't your team producing the fireworks. After the opening kickoff, there's no reason to over exert yourself and do much other than get in the fetal position and hope that the highly paid security does something other than clear some room for you to get your ass whooped.


South Carolina
Location: Columbia, South Carolina
Mascot: Cocky

8 out of 10 kids in South Carolina think Cocky is "Just OK."

Why Hate Them: This is an easy on. Steve "The Ole Ball Coach" Spurrier and his army of gainfully employed family members.
Road Trip Worthiness: Go for the dick jokes. Stay for the over-powering mediocrity. And the girls who are fans of the Cocks:










And now, a picture of a giant cock:


Penis.